Definitions
adolescence
The stage between puberty and adultery.
adultery
Putting yourself in someone else's position.
ambition
That which serves only to frustrate, as in an ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on its mind.
antonym
The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
automobile
A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
Basic
A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have experienced it will not admit it in polite company.
beta test
To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanoes.
beauty
That power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
belldonna
In Italian, a beautiful lady. In English, a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
bigot
One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.
bit
A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years ago.
buzzword
The fly in the ointment of computer literacy. Synonymous with baffle and bulls%&@.
C
A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't.
chemicals
Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
clone
1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their product."
2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product is a clone of our product."
cold
When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant.
confusion
Father's Day in San Francisco.
corporation
An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
dawn
The time when men of reason go to bed.
diplomacy
The patriotic art of lying for one’s country.
enhance
To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
eulogy
Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.
fairy tale
A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
forgetfulness
A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.
fornication
Term used by people who don't have anybody to have fun with.
gallows
A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is transported to heaven. In this country, the gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it.
guru
A computer owner who can read the manual.
handshaking protocol
A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
hangover
The burden of proof; the wrath of grapes.
happiness
An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
hard disk
A difficult disk, usually made of rigid metal that
1) refuses to bend to the owner's will, and
2) encased in a heavy metal sheath to deny the owner the satisfaction of using it as a flying disc when 1 above occurs.
hatred
A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another’s superiority.
heavy
Seduced by the chocolate side of the Force.
idiot
A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
immortality
A fate worse than death.
italic
Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases are often slanted to the left.
Japan
A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from which they are harvested by the happy natives, all of whom look down on the Internet as "primitive".
kern
1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear of corn.
2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, NY, a small, metal object used as part of the monetary system.
knowledge
Things you believe, whether or not they have bases in fact.
labor
One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
lawyer
One skilled in the circumvention of the law.
lie
A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.
life
A sexually transmitted disease which afflicts some people more severely than others.
machine-independent
Does not run on any existing machine.
manual
A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need in the others.
meeting
An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
modem
Up-to-date, newfangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
Pascal
A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
pixel
A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
programming
A compulsive disorder characterized primarily by an understanding in the afflicted individual of the meaning of life and an utter inability to channel this wisdom into anything more productive than a game.
prototype
First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the prototype is not expected to work.
public domain
A free-access method for distributing software that no one in their right mind would purchase.
quality control
The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
revolutionary
Repackaged.
sadism
Refusing to whip a masochist.
shareware
A method of software distribution in which all monies received are distributed equally between dealers who sell disks containing other authors' software and the computer store where the author purchases the supplies necessary to create it.
spouse
Someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.
sweater
A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
tact
The unsaid part of what you’re thinking.
taxes
Of life’s two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension.
transfer
A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
Unix
A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off with the workstation harem.