-Top 25 Things your wife will never say!-

25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya!

24. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

21. Christ, not the *?% mall again, let's go to that new strip joint.

20. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a six-pack of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Heather over for a threesome.

19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

17. Your mother is way better than mine.

16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

15. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

13. I love it when you play golf on Saturdays and Sundays, I just wish you had time to play in the middle of the week, too.

12. I'll be out painting the house.

11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

7. Your so sexy when you're hungover.

6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

5. That was a great fart! Do another one!

4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

3. I'm bored. Let's shave my *#%@.

2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? And now...keep your mouths open for the winner!

1. I'll swallow it all....I love the taste.

A man was setting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house".
-Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.  
-There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.  
-Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?  
-Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.  
-For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.  
-The beatings will continue until morale improves.  
-Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.  
-A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.  
-I don't have a solution but I do admire the problem.  
-Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.  
-If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!  
-Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.  
-If things start going any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.  
-It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.  
"What's the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?"  
"I don't know."  
"Oh, so it was you!"    
Due to the restructuring of the CIA very intense interviews are being held: Three men are waiting to be interviewed by the director of the CIA. He calls in the first one: "Do you love your country?" "Absolutely!" "Then take this gun out into the waiting room and kill your wife." "Sorry, I love her too much." The next guy comes in: "Do you love your country?" "Yes, I do!" "Then take this gun into the waiting room and shoot your wife." "Can I just hurt her a little?" "No, gotta kill her." "Can't do it, I love her too much." The next guy comes in? Do you love your country? "More than anything!" "Then take this gun and kill your wife." The man takes the gun and walks into the lobby. BANG, BANG BANG. This is followed by a series of crashes and loud noises. The man comes back in all beat up and covered with scratches. "What happened out there!" demanded the director. "Some moron put blanks in the gun! I had to strangle the bitch!"    
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him, Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."     
THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF  
1.  Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.  
2.  Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.  
3.  Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.  
4.  For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.  Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.  
5.  Course owner reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.  
6.  The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete.  Failure to do so may  
result in being denied permission to play the course again.  
7.  It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course.  The experienced player will normally take time to  
admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.  
8.  Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played.  Upset course  
owners have been known to damage player's equipment for this reason.  
9.  Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.  
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first  
time.  Previous players have been known to become irate if they dicsover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course.  
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily  
under repair.  Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.  More advanced players will try alternative means of play when  
this is the case.  
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with and  
approach to the hole.  
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.  
14. Slow play is encouraged.  However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.  
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.  
16. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.    
Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline." If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.     
Q: How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?   
A: Four. One to actually change it, and 3 friends to brag to about how he screwed it.